Came to my rescue: Part 1

She quietly sat in the car, staring out the window as they sped down the highway. In her opinion, city drivers loved their accelerator pedals a tad bit too much. Anytime she rode in a car, she’d say her prayers. She wasn’t a Need for Speed kind of girl. Slow but sure won the race.

It would seem to those with her that she was in a daze since she hadn’t spoken to anyone the whole way; though she was fully aware of what was happening around her. The beat dropped. Everyone bumped their heads to it. But she felt like her heart dropped as well. Pierced by the reality of the lyrics of the song she felt tears well up in her eyes. Why does man always doubt the faithfulness of another to them? Is it because of the hurt they go through time and time again? Mistrust then becomes a fortress they build to prevent any further attack on the city.

Would you stand by me, or would you run away

Wanna keep you close, tell me what would it take

It had taken her a lot to keep her friends close. It felt like she had them on a leash, always willing to tag at them if they went too far off for her comfort. Other times she’d need to throw treats to keep them coming back to her despite her brokenness. Her desire for acceptance had brought her to doing the unthinkable. Her virgin eyes were no more and post-abortion woes were now a reality.

If I told you that I lost my mind, would you stand by me? 

She was losing her mind.

Thinking of the unborn child caused her nightmares each day.

She might as well take her own life too.

If you knew my secrets, would you run away?

If you knew my deepest, would you feel the same?

Would you stand by me or would you run away?

“I think I’d rather be the one running. So that I don’t have to deal with all this.”  She muttered under her breath. Hence the silence all day, every day. It was better this way. She was finding it hard to trust anyone anyway. I guess the Kiswahili adage is true, asiyefunzwa na mamake hufunzwa na ulimwengu. (He who isn’t taught by his mother, shall be taught by the world.) The world was surely teaching her a thing or two. He had poured his heart and soul into her, prophesying his deep love for her. But here she was a few months down the line, wondering how a warm loving heart could grow ice cold so quickly. Perceived intimate friendships now looked like what was just the game before the hunt. The cheetah chases down the gazelle and enjoys the run but eventually, it’s only the grass and gazelle that get hurt. Her and her child- her child who would have been here, but was long gone.

The cheetah enjoys the meal and goes away to find another. His ego boosted because of the catch he made and now, he’s more than prepared for the next one. Touche.

Since then, she vowed never to trust any man ever again. Yet she’s the one who looks like the savage. Oh the irony of life! :( The anti-love feminist. She’s heard that description of herself one too many times but she refuses to believe it. Why? She’s privy to what He says about trusting in mortal man.

“Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save. When their spirit departs, they return to the ground; on that very day their plans come to nothing.” Psalm 146:3-4(NIV)

“Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he? Isaiah 2:22(NIV)

He had promised her the entire universe. But where was he now? Another had recently come into the equation, but she’d said no to all his advances. Last time she checked, a question could be answered with a yes or no; and no isn’t any less of an answer than yes. She gave a ‘no’ for a reason, and it was about time she stopped feeling sorry for saying so. She had volitional power that she was going to exercise. Exercise well for that matter. The same volitional power had been used to say yes to undress and it had cost a life; at that dingy abortion clinic that she’d been referred to by her ally from church in hushed tones after service had ended. Her friend vowed to stay silent about the issue because she too had had the procedure done, one too many times. Both were respectable figures at church, youth leaders, and this is how they’d have each other’s back. Such shame would be appalling!

But invisible chains hung around her neck; chains showing bondage to shame, guilt, despair and fear. It weighed her down each day, but only He knew about it. She didn’t know if He still loved her, or rather she doubted every bit of it. But one thing she knew for sure, she wasn’t going down that road again.

(Continued in Came to my rescue: Part 2.)